15 Things You Didn’t Know I’m Terrible At

I’m not sure what’s going on in the blog-o-sphere, but I’ve seen a TON of posts that are like, “25 things you probably didn’t know about me”

So I decided to do one, too. With a twist.

15 Things You Didn’t Know I’m Terrible At

1. Dancing
If it isn’t choreographed, I can’t do it. At least not what people today call dancing, which is in all honesty, dry humping in a public place. Sorry, random guy I’ve never seen before, I would not like to simulate sex with you in front of my friends. I usually just stand there motionless, trying to pretend I’m not there and hoping, like a bear, if I stand there without moving long enough he’ll lose interest and go away.


2. Handling stress
I am the most dramatic person alive. For example, my stressful situation yesterday went like this: “MOM, THEY SAY I HAVE TO DO SLTs FOR KIDS I DIDNT EVEN TEACH ALL YEAR! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN? WHAT THE SHIZ? MY GOD, MOM, IF THEY MAKE ME DO THIS, I SWEAR TO ALL THINGS HOLY I WILL LAY DOWN AND DIE. RIGHT HERE. YOU HEAR ME, MOM? DIE.” This is how I handle it. Naturally, I am doing the SLTs and I am not dying. But I just know that if you increase the stress factor, I’m going to freak out. Even if it’s just in my head.

Seriously. I leave her messages like this all the time. What could she possibly be doing that she can’t answer the phone? I COULD BE DYING!


3. Multiplication tables
For real. I never memorized them. Why? Because my round tablemates and I cheated our way through 2nd grade math. My teacher said I would never survive adulthood if I didn’t learn them. Joke’s on you, Miss Palermo. I have a badass iPhone with a calculator. Who needs multiplication anyway?


4. Talking slowly
The only time I talk at a relatively slow pace is when I’m being condescending. Or when I’m being offensive and clapping on every syllable of every word. 

5. Technology
For all the technology I use everyday, I still don’t get it. What happened to 101987401 lb. Apple computers, MS paint, and 8″ floppy disks? I liked those days. 

6. Crossfit
To say I love crossfit so much, I’m pretty terrible at it. In fact, I pretty much hate everything about it. It shows me my weaknesses all the time. BUT that’s also why I love it. Because everyday, I suck a little bit less (that’s what she said) and it feels good to not suck so bad.

7. Holding grudges
I am terrible with holding grudges. And by terrible, I mean that I’m great at it and I can hold them forever. I know, I know, “Ace, that isn’t healthy”. Yeah, I get it. BUT, I do it. If you cross me or show me that you aren’t trustworthy, watch out, buddy. You’re about to see wrath and it isn’t attractive.

8. Being emotional
On the flip side, I am not an extremely emotional person until we’ve entered into a topic I’m very passionate about. I never really have been necessarily emotional about things and my friends would tell you that my most obvious emotion is anger. Which is why I’m like the Hulk. People don’t like me when I’m angry.

9. Telling jokes
I suck at this. My friends think I’m funny, but I’m a terrible joke teller. Why did the chicken cross the road? F*ck if I care.
See?

10. Walking
I’m the most clumsy person I know. I constantly bang my feet, hips, elbows, and every other appendage on everything available. My mother doesn’t consider a year a success until I have fallen on my face in front of a huge crowd. Her first question is always, “are you okay?” and her next question is, “did anyone see you?” In my defense, two of my former boyfriends were acquired because they helped me up from a fall. Color me talented.

11. Leaping without looking
I cannot blindly jump into anything. I just can’t. I have an intense distrust of anything that someone tells me I should not question. I’m inquisitive. If I have questions and you’re legit, you should be able to answer my questions, dammit. Not asking questions is how people end up in cults and ponzi schemes, y’all.

12. Taking compliments
This is always an awkward situation, especially if the compliment is from a person I don’t really know. Mostly because if I’m not acquaintances with the person complimenting me, it’s probably a person that’s kind of sketchy. Also, when I’m in an uncomfortable situation, I defer everything with humor.

Example:
Sketchy guy: “say lil mama, I like the way you fill out that dress.”
Me: “uh, thanks but this is really just a body suit. When I unzip at the end of the night, I’m really an alien. Like on Men in Black.”
Sketchy guy: “um, okay?”

13. Not following a schedule
Y’all know about my obsession with making schedules and lists. I got all upset because I they don’t make my favorite dang planner anymore. But I hate “playing things by ear”. I don’t want to hang out until we find something to do. I want to know what we’re doing so I can put it on the schedule. That’s the way my life works. I schedule in free time. If we’re going to “play something by ear”, I’d rather just sleep.

14. Dealing with stupid people
I can accept people who don’t agree with me. I can’t accept people who just say/do stupid things. Things that don’t make any sense and have zero legitimate justification. People like that make my face turn green.

15. Shopping
I hate it. I’m terrible at it. When I go shopping, I go with a specific outfit in mind and if I can’t find it in 20 minutes, I quit. I turn into a big baby and throw tantrums. I don’t try things on. I would rather buy them and return them than try them on under florescent lighting. Actually, I’d rather buy them online and not have to go to a store at all. If I can’t find what I need in under 20 minutes then I must not have needed it after all. 

{what are y’all terrible at?}

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