Flirting with Disaster: Adventures in Dating

I have not always had the best luck with dating. Actually, I’ve never had good luck with dating. I pretty much just suck at it.

I’ve been on lots of dates.

There was the guy that I met through online dating that turned out to be a completely needy and sensitive douche with a little man complex.
There was the guy who wanted his to be barefoot and pregnant because that was a woman’s “job”.
There was the guy who didn’t know the difference between to, two, and too, so I had to let him go.
There was the guy who totally confessed his love for me and then told me the next day that we weren’t gonna work out.
There was the guy that broke up with me in front of a football field.
There was the guy that cheated on me…with two of my cousins…and everyone knew about it.
There was the guy that cried a lot.
There was the guy who got jealous of crossfit.
There was the guy to dumped me to date another girl…who was a junior in high school.
There was the guy who never, ever, ever listened to me.
and
There was the guy who was my boyfriend…and then I found out he was engaged.

The list goes on and on. For someone who has outrageously good judgement in friends, it appears that I’m a little lacking in judgement of men category. Even worse: I used to be one of those helper people. Give me a guy who’s damaged in one way or another and I want to help fix him. Ugh. One of those girls.

I was all like, “oh, you’re a commitment phobe with no goals for the future, like to make your girlfriend feel like crap, and need your space to find yourself while you’re also finding your way around other girls’ bedrooms? I can totally help you redirect your life.”

Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that, Demi! Shit!



A sentiment which usually resulted in me being like this:


So, so wrong.
So I left dating alone and dated myself, instead. And that was great news! I spent all kinds of time with myself, spent lavish amounts of money ($50+) on shopping trips, pampered myself with trips to the nail and hair salon and told myself everyday how beautiful I am (kidding. kind of.

A TON of people have tried to help me out with my “dating issue” by setting me up and the first question they always ask is: “so, what do you look for in a guy?”

Shit, I don’t know. If I knew that, I wouldn’t have dated all those losers up there (and other ones that I forgot about/decided not to include).

What I DO know is what I DON’T want in a guy. Most qualities which can be found below:

1. Wearing Jesus sandals or Foot shoes…ALL THE TIME.

I guess these might be comfortable or whatever, but would it kill you to wear some nice shoes to go out occasionally? It is NOT attractive to see you show up to a fancy restaurant in these. Stop it.

2. You don’t understand personal space. 
I get that people like to be close and all, but you have to be close with PERMISSION. Just try to get all close to me when I haven’t permitted it. I’m all

back the eff up, yo!



3. You’re shorter than me. 
I can’t do it. I’m barely 5′ tall. Smurfs are taller than me. Setting me up with someone who is shorter than me usually results in 



4. You let me win all the time. 
I have a strong personality, but you can’t let me win all the time. Being a pushover will ruin your life, dude, especially with someone like me.

Don’t be this guy.

5. You don’t use correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling. 
There is nothing I hate worse than having to decipher whatever it is that you call language. Use vowels, for Christ’s sake. Commas are important! It’s okay if you’re unsure about when you should use a semicolon, I can teach you that. Bt if yhu tlk lk dhis? I can’t deal-it just really stresses me out. I can’t outtrain stupid…mainly because trying will drive me to drink. 


This list, while not comprehensive, pretty much sums up complete deal breakers for me. So uh, maybe one day I’ll meet some tall, handsome, non-Jesus sandal wearing, punctuation loving, guy who’s all secure in his convictions. 

Until then, I’ll be spending time writin’ my blog, liftin’ some weight, and giggling to myself about Jenna Marbles GIFs. Hilar.

Linking up with:

One To Nothin

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