American (Dating) Horror Stories

Bonnie at Life of Bon lives in Utah and is happily married (and expecting a baby!). But it wasn’t always like that. She had quite a few dating horror stories before she met the one. 

Well, guys, my whole dating career has been a damn Greek tragedy. I look back at it and think, “well, no good can come of this.” 

The last time I talked about my dating history it really turned out to be more of a list of the things I don’t want about a guy. But, for the sake of Bonnie’s link up, I’ve decided to narrow things down to the worst of the worst. This list is in no particular order. I’ll let y’all decide which one was the worst.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And because, if you’re reading this…you know who you are.

The long-distance cheater: I totally loved this dude. Head over heels in love. I’d get in my car and drive 5 hours for him if he wanted me to (which I did. A lot. Like, every other weekend). I was completely sure that we were gonna get married and live happily ever after. Until I found out that he was spending the weekends with me and, um, discovering new prairies Monday-Friday. And everyone knew but me. Including family. Not awkward at all.


The Age Out: I started dating this guy at 17 and he was 24. By accident. Dated until I was 19…and suddenly he was completely over me. And completely into a 17 year old girl. A year later, he was over her and into a different 17 year old girl. Y’all see where I’m going here.

The guy who was engaged (not to me): Started seeing a guy from my hometown and I was really digging him. Things were new but going well. I made plans to go home and visit him and we were both very excited about it…except when I got there, he made all kinds of excuses not to see me (what the eff?). I went out for drinks with some friends when they dropped the bomb, “Oh, you know [Insert Douchebag’s Name Here] met his fiancee through crossfit.” 
I’m sorry, what?
I found out he not only had a fiancee but also a child on the way. 
That revelation effectively ended any relationship I had with him, but I did jump right into a relationship with a lot of vodka that night.

Guy who was engaged (to me): Y’all remember that one time I was engaged? Me, too. That’s all I have to say about that.

Proof. Engaged once.

The little big man: Guy seemed to be nice enough. We knew each other in passing and he was cool. He was just barely taller than me, but into fitness and all that good stuff. We were hanging out pretty often at his request for awhile. I genuinely liked hanging out–and then one day he stopped calling for about 2 weeks. Me, being me, didn’t care. I just thought he wasn’t into me and let it go. He called near tears apologizing for being distant and begging me to forgive him, he claimed he was just “intimidated by the fact that I’ve been in serious relationships before” and that “he’s never been with a girl who’s as independent” as I am. Uh, okay? We went on one more date and that was it. He goes ghost again. 
About 3 months later, I got a text from him asking to hook up. 
Ha. No thanks, bro. It wasn’t all that to begin with. 

The guy who cried all the time: This was A date. Singular. One. Everything I said/did brought this guy to the brink of tears and occasionally sent him over the edge. Talk about bizarre. He brought up wildly controversial topics over dinner (you know, the ones they tell you that you shouldn’t discuss with people) and when I would respond with something like, “well, I don’t have an opinion on that because it doesn’t apply to me,” he would get inordinately upset and say things like “I can’t believe you’re so cold that you don’t care about others!” 
Whoa, bro. Dramatic much?

The “he loves me, he loves me not” guy: I could never tell with this guy. Some days, he loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me. Other days, I didn’t exist at all. Spending even 10 seconds trying to figure out what dude wanted was a colossal waste of time. I don’t have even a second for your bipolar, yo.

The guy who told me to stop crossfitting: I was early in my CrossFit career when I developed my first callouses and I was damn proud of them (still am). I was on a first date with a guy who was trying to caress my hands across the table as we waited for our food when he felt my new callouses. 
He asked how I got them and I (very excitedly) said, “they’re new, I’ve been doing a lot of pullups and lifting.” 
He replied, “Oh, you have to stop that. It’s not very feminine.”
To which I got up, threw a $20 on the table for our bill and left. Douche.

they’re not even that bad!

Dating Disaster Level: Epic

You+Me=US and other things I didn’t learn in school

Day 23 of #blogeverydayinMay challenge. Thanks to Jenni, I might not have anything left to write after May!

“Things you’ve learned that school won’t teach you.”

How to deal with heartbreak.
Maybe some of you learned this while you were actually in school, but I can say with a rather large amount of confidence that I didn’t learn this in Calculus. (even though you+me does, in fact, equal us)
I remember my first real breakup really well. And I was devastated. An unnatural level of devastated. 17 year old Ace was all like, “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? I LOVED HIM! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!” Well, look at you now, 25 year old Ace. Breathin’ ‘n’ shit.

Me and my very first, real life, boyfriend. Don’t judge my outfit. I was on the damn dance team. Also, those are homecoming mums in the right picture. What? Your school didn’t walk around on homecoming day with flowers attached to 5 foot long ribbons on them? What kind of weirdo school did you go to?

You gotta be smarter than the shit you’re f*ckin’ with.
This one I learned directly from my friends. Whenever you’re dealing with a problem, you have to be smarter than the problem. You have to look at the entire thing, from all sides. You have to look at the short run and the long run and then determine your next move. You can’t live totally in the right now but you can’t live totally in the future. So you have you outsmart the problem always. And people who can outsmart the trouble usually find that trouble doesn’t find them often.

Stupid is as stupid does.
Big shoutout to Forrest Gump for the eloquent way to sum this one up. Basically, if you do stupid things, you are stupid. Point, blank, period. There’s no way to get around that one, chief. Yes, we all fudge up and do dumb things once in awhile and of course, you can redeem yourself. But if you do them, even for that moment, you are stupid. So quit that shit. Also, you cannot ever convince a stupid person that he or she is not stupid. You just can’t. You can try, but it’ll only result in you being frustrated and overwhelmed. The best you can do is smile, say, “you know what? You’re right” and then leave it to them to figure out that they’re dumb.

Of all the things that don’t really matter, family does.
Family matters. And not like the TV show. Growing up (and living 10 hours away from home) has made me realize just how important family really is. There’s no one who will quite understand your brand of crazy but your family. Probably because they’re the same brand of crazy as you.

You should know that the picture at the left is barely even an eighth of my family. Notice my grandma is laughing. I loved the way her laugh sounded. 

Mama Nancy, Daddy Carlos and Me. A family of characters.

Always stay friends with the people that knew you when you were awkward and ugly. This is how you know these people are your real friends.
If you had friends during your awkward middle and high school years, keep them. You know they’re your friends because they accepted you even when you were at your ugliest. Plus, by now, they probably have way too much on you to ever get rid of them legally.