American (Dating) Horror Stories

Bonnie at Life of Bon lives in Utah and is happily married (and expecting a baby!). But it wasn’t always like that. She had quite a few dating horror stories before she met the one. 

Well, guys, my whole dating career has been a damn Greek tragedy. I look back at it and think, “well, no good can come of this.” 


The last time I talked about my dating history it really turned out to be more of a list of the things I don’t want about a guy. But, for the sake of Bonnie’s link up, I’ve decided to narrow things down to the worst of the worst. This list is in no particular order. I’ll let y’all decide which one was the worst.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And because, if you’re reading this…you know who you are.

The long-distance cheater: I totally loved this dude. Head over heels in love. I’d get in my car and drive 5 hours for him if he wanted me to (which I did. A lot. Like, every other weekend). I was completely sure that we were gonna get married and live happily ever after. Until I found out that he was spending the weekends with me and, um, discovering new prairies Monday-Friday. And everyone knew but me. Including family. Not awkward at all.

ouch.

The Age Out: I started dating this guy at 17 and he was 24. By accident. Dated until I was 19…and suddenly he was completely over me. And completely into a 17 year old girl. A year later, he was over her and into a different 17 year old girl. Y’all see where I’m going here.

The guy who was engaged (not to me): Started seeing a guy from my hometown and I was really digging him. Things were new but going well. I made plans to go home and visit him and we were both very excited about it…except when I got there, he made all kinds of excuses not to see me (what the eff?). I went out for drinks with some friends when they dropped the bomb, “Oh, you know [Insert Douchebag’s Name Here] met his fiancee through crossfit.” 
I’m sorry, what?
I found out he not only had a fiancee but also a child on the way. 
That revelation effectively ended any relationship I had with him, but I did jump right into a relationship with a lot of vodka that night.


Guy who was engaged (to me): Y’all remember that one time I was engaged? Me, too. That’s all I have to say about that.

Proof. Engaged once.

The little big man: Guy seemed to be nice enough. We knew each other in passing and he was cool. He was just barely taller than me, but into fitness and all that good stuff. We were hanging out pretty often at his request for awhile. I genuinely liked hanging out–and then one day he stopped calling for about 2 weeks. Me, being me, didn’t care. I just thought he wasn’t into me and let it go. He called near tears apologizing for being distant and begging me to forgive him, he claimed he was just “intimidated by the fact that I’ve been in serious relationships before” and that “he’s never been with a girl who’s as independent” as I am. Uh, okay? We went on one more date and that was it. He goes ghost again. 
About 3 months later, I got a text from him asking to hook up. 
Ha. No thanks, bro. It wasn’t all that to begin with. 


The guy who cried all the time: This was A date. Singular. One. Everything I said/did brought this guy to the brink of tears and occasionally sent him over the edge. Talk about bizarre. He brought up wildly controversial topics over dinner (you know, the ones they tell you that you shouldn’t discuss with people) and when I would respond with something like, “well, I don’t have an opinion on that because it doesn’t apply to me,” he would get inordinately upset and say things like “I can’t believe you’re so cold that you don’t care about others!” 
Whoa, bro. Dramatic much?


The “he loves me, he loves me not” guy: I could never tell with this guy. Some days, he loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me. Other days, I didn’t exist at all. Spending even 10 seconds trying to figure out what dude wanted was a colossal waste of time. I don’t have even a second for your bipolar, yo.


The guy who told me to stop crossfitting: I was early in my CrossFit career when I developed my first callouses and I was damn proud of them (still am). I was on a first date with a guy who was trying to caress my hands across the table as we waited for our food when he felt my new callouses. 
He asked how I got them and I (very excitedly) said, “they’re new, I’ve been doing a lot of pullups and lifting.” 
He replied, “Oh, you have to stop that. It’s not very feminine.”
To which I got up, threw a $20 on the table for our bill and left. Douche.

they’re not even that bad!

Dating Disaster Level: Epic



Flirting with Disaster: Adventures in Dating

I have not always had the best luck with dating. Actually, I’ve never had good luck with dating. I pretty much just suck at it.

I’ve been on lots of dates.

There was the guy that I met through online dating that turned out to be a completely needy and sensitive douche with a little man complex.
There was the guy who wanted his to be barefoot and pregnant because that was a woman’s “job”.
There was the guy who didn’t know the difference between to, two, and too, so I had to let him go.
There was the guy who totally confessed his love for me and then told me the next day that we weren’t gonna work out.
There was the guy that broke up with me in front of a football field.
There was the guy that cheated on me…with two of my cousins…and everyone knew about it.
There was the guy that cried a lot.
There was the guy who got jealous of crossfit.
There was the guy to dumped me to date another girl…who was a junior in high school.
There was the guy who never, ever, ever listened to me.
and
There was the guy who was my boyfriend…and then I found out he was engaged.

The list goes on and on. For someone who has outrageously good judgement in friends, it appears that I’m a little lacking in judgement of men category. Even worse: I used to be one of those helper people. Give me a guy who’s damaged in one way or another and I want to help fix him. Ugh. One of those girls.

I was all like, “oh, you’re a commitment phobe with no goals for the future, like to make your girlfriend feel like crap, and need your space to find yourself while you’re also finding your way around other girls’ bedrooms? I can totally help you redirect your life.”

Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that, Demi! Shit!



A sentiment which usually resulted in me being like this:


So, so wrong.
So I left dating alone and dated myself, instead. And that was great news! I spent all kinds of time with myself, spent lavish amounts of money ($50+) on shopping trips, pampered myself with trips to the nail and hair salon and told myself everyday how beautiful I am (kidding. kind of.

A TON of people have tried to help me out with my “dating issue” by setting me up and the first question they always ask is: “so, what do you look for in a guy?”

Shit, I don’t know. If I knew that, I wouldn’t have dated all those losers up there (and other ones that I forgot about/decided not to include).

What I DO know is what I DON’T want in a guy. Most qualities which can be found below:

1. Wearing Jesus sandals or Foot shoes…ALL THE TIME.

I guess these might be comfortable or whatever, but would it kill you to wear some nice shoes to go out occasionally? It is NOT attractive to see you show up to a fancy restaurant in these. Stop it.

2. You don’t understand personal space. 
I get that people like to be close and all, but you have to be close with PERMISSION. Just try to get all close to me when I haven’t permitted it. I’m all

back the eff up, yo!



3. You’re shorter than me. 
I can’t do it. I’m barely 5′ tall. Smurfs are taller than me. Setting me up with someone who is shorter than me usually results in 



4. You let me win all the time. 
I have a strong personality, but you can’t let me win all the time. Being a pushover will ruin your life, dude, especially with someone like me.

Don’t be this guy.

5. You don’t use correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling. 
There is nothing I hate worse than having to decipher whatever it is that you call language. Use vowels, for Christ’s sake. Commas are important! It’s okay if you’re unsure about when you should use a semicolon, I can teach you that. Bt if yhu tlk lk dhis? I can’t deal-it just really stresses me out. I can’t outtrain stupid…mainly because trying will drive me to drink. 


This list, while not comprehensive, pretty much sums up complete deal breakers for me. So uh, maybe one day I’ll meet some tall, handsome, non-Jesus sandal wearing, punctuation loving, guy who’s all secure in his convictions. 

Until then, I’ll be spending time writin’ my blog, liftin’ some weight, and giggling to myself about Jenna Marbles GIFs. Hilar.

Linking up with:

One To Nothin