I don’t have my shit together.

I don’t have my shit together.
What?

I don’t. 
I want to. I want to wake up everyday and know exactly what my purpose is and what paths I’m supposed to take to achieve my goal of all goals.

But I don’t.
What I’m doing now is not what I thought I’d be doing 10 years ago. Hell, it’s not what I thought I’d be doing 10 minutes ago. 

And I don’t really know if anyone knows what the hell we’re actually doing. For me, I take one day at a time, I look at the decisions in front of me and I choose the ones that I think are going to point me in the right direction. 

Sometimes those decisions are as big as starting a new job or deciding whether or not to pursue another degree. Sometimes those decisions are as small as keeping my mouth shut when I don’t want to (although my friends would argue that this is a pretty monumental achievement for me).

Everyday, I make decisions and I just hope that they’re the right ones that will get me to where I want to go.
And if they don’t, I hope like hell I can change them. 

So here’s to not having my shit together, taking each day a decision at a time, crossing off to do lists, and moving back to Texas in exactly 4 months (!!!). 

Stop talkin’ ’bout it. Be about it.

I’ve been in kind of a funk, y’all. 

Not like an, “omg, I’m so depressed, I hate my whole life” funk, just like a, “am I really happy? Could I be doing things that make me happier?” funk. 

I guess for the past semester or so (I’m a teacher, I still think in terms of semesters. Sue me.) I’ve been a little stressed, pretty overwhelmed and just in a funk. Maybe it’s a, “I’m at an impasse in my life and I need to make some decisions, but I’m scared about what to do and how I should do it” funk. 

And I really don’t wanna make a decision that’s gonna irreparably fudge up my life. 

BUT. As I was watching my new favorite show, Nashville, I heard this and was pretty inspired.
“I know it’d be real scary to think about losing everybody, but wouldn’t it be scarier to lose yourself? There’s thinkin’ about doin’ something and then, there’s just doin’ it.”

And that’s pretty legit if you ask me. I could talk about doing shiz all day, but if I don’t do something to push myself in the direction of what I want, then I’m really just that: all talk. 

So I’m going to do myself a favor and stop looking at all the things in my way of doing what I’m supposed to do and just do it. I’m gonna stop talking myself down by saying things like, “I really want to but…” and “If I could, I would.”

There are no buts. I can and I will.

And I’m really hoping that doing instead of thinking about doing will lead me to my goal and keep me, me. 

Making decisions is hard, being a grown up is scary (and sucks), but I think maybe I’m getting the hang of this thing. 

Clearly a grown up. Right? I don’t know. Maybe.

Stop talkin’ ’bout it, be about it.