My Own Worst Enemy

Day 16 of the #blogeverydayinmay challenge.

“Something difficult about your ‘lot in life’ and how you’re working to overcome it.”

My most difficult “lot in life” has been my weight and body image. “I’m shocked to hear that,” said no one ever.

But before I delve into all of that, I think it’s really important to identify all the wonderful lots in life that I have been dealt. 

A mama that supports me and loves me through everything I do.

A daddy that teaches me how to live a full and simple life.
Siblings that are just as crazy as I am and are also fiercely protective. 
A grandmother who loved me with her whole heart.
Friends that I am lucky enough to also call family.
A passion for reading.
A love for state history.
A very distinct birthmark on my left ankle and right foot.
A penchant for tattoos.
Well-shaped eyebrows.
Small feet. Big ears.
An inquisitive nature.
A smart mouth.

But I’d say the one thing that I’ve always struggled with is my weight and how I view myself.

The first thing you should know: my mama is gorgeous and petite. She is the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen. She’s a teeny 102 lbs and when you see her, you just wanna pick her up and carry her in your pocket. 

I want to just hug her all the time. 

I am built like my aunt. My aunt is 5’10. Unlike my aunt, I am 5′ tall. 

So I don’t exactly have a lot of space for all these hips and back and thighs and shoulders. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. And where as my aunt can gain 10 lbs and no one notices, I gain 3 pounds and look like I gained a 2nd grader.

I spent a whole lot of time in high school (and college) wishing that I had a different body type. I wished I was skinny and slim. I wished my thighs didn’t touch and that I didn’t have a butt. I wanted to cut paper with my collarbone and see all of my cheekbone. I just wanted to wear the 00 size jeans from Abercrombie like all the cool girls! A lot of my self image problem came from me. I used negative self talk to bring myself down. And that shit sucks. 

A lot of people have trouble with other people talking crap about them. Nothing anyone said could be worse than what I said to myself. Ever. When I talked to myself, I was never pretty, funny, smart, outgoing, or {insert any positive adjective here}. 

As self talk got worse, I felt worthless and feeling worthless only did terrible things for my body and health.

So then the question is: how did I fix it?

The answer is: I didn’t.

There’s no easy fix for crappy self image. But things changed for me when I started CrossFit. All of a sudden, I was a part of a community of people that admired strong legs and thighs that touched. Being strong is cool to them. So I work harder to be strong.

Will I ever be a size 00 and look like my adorable mom? No, probably not. I’m just not built to look that way. 

Can I work harder to be in shape and fit? Yes. I can. I can be healthy and healthy for me does not mean being a size 00. 

Everyday is different. Some days, I’m great with my progress and want to keep pushing. Other days are harder on me and it’s a struggle to suppress that negative voice. But everyday, it seems, I am able to keep that voice at bay a little bit longer and achieve a little more. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to suppress it for good.

#AceAndSteph’s60DayKickAssChallenge Week 2: Update

Good news: Both Steph and I survived week 1 of the #AceAndSteph60DayKickAssChallenge

Bad news: We’re being real b-words and suffering from Paleo flu. (poor Steph has it worse than me because she has a legit ear infection. No bueno.)

What is Paleo Flu? I’m glad I asked.
Paleo Flu is the name typically associated with the withdrawal symptoms associated with the Paleo diet. It can include fatigue, wild mood swings, and an intense desire to eat bread covered in chocolate ice cream and cheese. 

In case I didn’t tell you (because I suck), we weighed ourselves once at the beginning of the challenge and we’ll weigh ourselves at the end of the 60 days. No weighing in between, thankyouverymuch. We’re also taking body pictures every week and hoping to see change. 

I’ll post all of mine at the end of the challenge (ew.) but I totes won’t force Steph to. 

I won’t lie, paleo flu has my nerves bad and my fuse short. It doesn’t help that I’m running on fumes everyday!

I’ve pretty much been approaching every meal like this. Shoutout to Kristie for introducing me to Thug Kitchen. Finally, a recipe site after my own heart.

Packaging my food for the week has really helped me out so far this week (even though it’s only Tuesday) since I’ve been waking up late everyday. Alarms? Psh. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Anybody got any cool paleo recipes I can try this weekend? Drop me and Steph a comment and let us know!

"Don’t get too muscly"

When I tell people that I crossfit, the first question I am usually asked is, “what is crossfit?” 

I explain what crossfit is and the next comment I get is, “well, that’s cool. Just don’t get too muscly”

Then I get angry. And people don’t like me when I’m angry.
Sorry for all the cursing, but who is she or he or you or anyone to tell me what the hell to do with my body?! 

Don’t get me wrong, I am trying to be more fit. I am not trying to be the she-hulk (even though I think that would be the coolest thing pretty much ever). But with fitness comes muscles. Because physically fit people are strong. Duh. 

I am trying–and training–to be the most fit I can be. If for nothing else but the clearly inevitable zombie apocalypse. And for me, being fit, does not mean weighing 4 pounds, wearing size 0 million and not being able to lift a pencil without struggling. 

I want to lift things that are way heavier than me. Know why? Because that means–if I needed to–that I could lift my own body weight a bunch of times. I want to have a healthy body with all the right kinds of curves. I want to have an ass and not a butt. 

No one is going to convince me that a “thigh gap” or whatever is sexy if you look like a mosquito hawk. My thighs touch and that shit is great news. Why? Because if I’m ever trapped under something up to 2x my body weight, I can push that shit off of me. 

I don’t watch the scale. I don’t care what that piece of shit says and neither should you. It’s just a number. It’s your relationship with freakin’ gravity. The only thing I care about gravity is seeing how fast I can pick up whatever it’s holding down. Know what it isn’t gonna hold down? Me. That stupid scale can’t tell me how awesome I am or how far I’ve come. 

All I try to do everyday in the box is be better. 
Lift more.
Run faster.
Jump higher.
Get double unders (that shiz still hasn’t happened yet).
Be more fit.

My goal is not and never has been to be stick skinny. Because I can’t be. I am not built like that. I have and will forever have hips, thighs, boobs, and ass. So I had a decision: use what I got and make it tight…or look like a bag of mayonnaise and die in the zombie apocalypse. I chose the former. 

A lot of people I talk to want to be skinny and don’t want muscles. They want to run on the treadmill for 30191803 hours a day. They don’t want to lift weights because “it’ll make ’em bulky”.
If that is your goal, fine. 
Watch the scale.
Follow a crazy, 500 calorie a day diet
And be skinny fat.

I’ll be over here, feeding my muscles with steak and (sweet) potatoes.

CrossFit Family, First

With the CrossFit open beginning tomorrow (holy crap, is it here already? I am so not ready for this), I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this whole CrossFit…thing. 

I write about it.
I talk about it.
I watch videos about it.
I drool over Neal Maddox while he does it.

But why is it so important to me? What makes it such a big freakin’ deal?

Well, probably because I’ve immersed myself in it. For me, CrossFit is more than a gym and it’s more than a WOD. I do not show up, work out, and leave. 

Crossfit is legitimately an experience and I really feel like, if you’re going to get the best results, you have to buy into it.

You have a duty as a crossfitter. As a member of a box, you are blessed with a huge responsibility.

You have to participate.
Come in. Warm up. Roll out. Row some (even if you’re like me and hate it). Get mentally ready for this (undoubtably) awful WOD. 3…2…1…GO! Push yourself. Work hard. PAIN. Sweat. Work harder. See finish. Reach finish. Lay on the floor. Try to get up, fail. Lay on the floor for a while longer. Try to get up again. Walk around. Think about how much that sucked. Be proud of yourself. 

You have to encourage.
It’s not just you in the box. You’re not the only one dreading the next 2-25 minutes of misery. You’re not the only one who hurts, who thinks about giving up, and who is having a mind/body battle. So you have to encourage other people. You have to sit there and yell at them to finish. You have to remind them that there are only X amount of minutes left or X number of rounds left until this torture ends. You have to push people to reach their potential when they don’t have the strength to push on. 

You have to be a student.
We have coaches for a reason. They are there to encourage and motivate, but they’re also there to teach. Teach us how to be better. More efficient. Faster. Stronger. But you have to listen. Sometimes they tell you great things. Other times, they tell you things you don’t like to hear. But they’re your coach and they know their shiz. You are responsible for putting their coaching into action. Watch other people. Think about what they’re doing compared to what you’re doing and how you can improve yourself.  Become a student of the sport.

You have to be a teacher.
Just because you’re not a coach doesn’t mean you’re not a teacher. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched other, more experienced crossfitters to figure out how to do things myself, where things are, and what to do with them. I watch how they behave and modify my behavior accordingly. Etiquette is important no matter the time or place, but box etiquette is something that has to be learned from each other. 

All in all, you have to be a part of the community. 
Community is what sets CrossFit apart from other stuff. We know each other on purpose. We’re not “people who do crossfit”, we’re crossfitters and we’re part of this crazy community that supports each other, identify with each others’ struggles and celebrate each others’ victories. And that’s crazy awesome. We’re empowered by each other through the things that we can do. 

Keep this in mind over the next 5 weeks. We’re competitive. Everyone wants to be crowned “the fittest on earth” but we’re a family first. 

Hope everyone performs like a badass tomorrow (or whenever you decide to do your WOD) and beasts it. Be your best. Work hard. Push so hard you pass out ‘n’ shiz. Then tell me all about it so I can brag on you. 

The only sport where the last to finish gets the loudest cheers.